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Control the white ball using the arrow keys.

Stay on top of the blue box, the grey balls will try to knock you out.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.”

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit..I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”

USB Humping Dog gadget:

Created by Dan

Some pictures of how it looks:

Herman could be ‘world’s biggest bunny’

A man has been showing off his gigantic rabbit named Herman.

The mighty bunny weighs a massive 7.7kg, and his ears are a lengthy 21cm - almost as long as most pet rabbits are tall. And he is almost 1m tall.

The German Giant is even big for his breed, which usually tip the scales at around 6kg.

Herman lives in a specially built solid oak hutch and chomps his way through just over 2kg of food a day. His owner says his favourite snack is lettuce.

The giant bunny, who lives in Berlin with owner Hans Wagner, also takes a vitamin supplement to keep him healthy, and munches through a bale of hay a week.

Herman could be the world’s biggest rabbit, but Guinness World Records have stopped accepting entries because of fears people were over-feeding their pets.

German Giants do not exist in the wild, and have been developed by breeders.

They can live for as long as 12 years.

Source: BBC

Mad TV iRack Apple Iraq war parody. Steve Jobs introduces the new “iRack”

via Zoso

A Romanian luxury car enthusiast has named his daughter “SLK” after the Mercedes model.

The man, from Chisinau Cris in Arad county, reportedly surprised staff at the registry office with the name.

Ica Mladin, the head of the local registry office, said: “This man walked into the office and said he wanted a birth certificate on the name ‘SLK Caldarar’.

“We found that very odd and tried to make him change his mind.”

But the father insisted, saying he loves cars and if the baby had been a boy he would have been named “BMW”.

The man reportedly told them: “The SLK is one of the most famous models of the Mercedes class; it’s expensive and beautiful.

“It I had had a boy, I would have named him BMW because this car’s hot and runs very fast.” - Ananova.com

Source: IOL

The man that can do 101 impressions in 4 minutes

In support of Red Nose Day 2007 we proudly present ‘Red Lead’. Help save the Red Noses by getting them safely from one side of the screen to the other, avoiding the sharp pencils.

Click here to play: Red Lead

BEIJING (AP) — Chinese scientists have succeeded in implanting electrodes in the brain of a pigeon to remotely control the bird’s flight, state media said.

Xinhua News Agency said the scientists at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center at Shandong University of Science and Technology in eastern China used the micro electrodes to command the bird to fly right or left, and up or down.

The implants stimulated different areas of the pigeon’s brain according to electronic signals sent by the scientists via computer, mirroring natural signals generated by the brain, Xinhua quoted chief scientist Su Xuecheng as saying.

It was the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world, said Su, who conducted a similar successful experiment on mice in 2005.

Source: Live Science