“I always listen to ‘NSYNC’s Tearin’ Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra.”

“Marry Prince William? I’d love that. Who wouldn’t want to be a princess?”

“I like to poo.”

“I’m rich, freakin’ rich. It’s crazy.”

“I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.”

“I always call my cousin because we’re so close. We’re almost like sisters, and we’re also close because our moms are sisters.”

“I’m famous, but I’m not famous like freaking Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston.”

“I performed at Mom and Dad’s party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.”

“I get to go to alot over overseas places, like Canada.”

“Where the hell is Australia anyway?”

“I like most of the places I’ve been to, but I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don’t like eating fish, and I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

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I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.”

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit..I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”

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?Stupidity is the devil. Look in the eye of a chicken and you’ll know. It’s the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world.?
-Werner Herzog

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“Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it?s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk” – Stephen King

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George Bush Quotes:

Chew before you swallow.
On TV, about his passing out eating a pretzel

History is moving, and it will tend toward hope, or tend toward tragedy.

I think we agree, the past is over.
On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

Whether we bring our enemies to justice or bring justice to our enemies, justice will be done.

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.

Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?

There’s an old saying in Tennessee ? I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee ? that says, fool me once, shame on ? shame on you. Fool me ? you can’t get fooled again.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

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“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”

- Hillary Clinton, 2000

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If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker (1893 – 1967)

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“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.”

Cyril Connolly

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“Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.”

Herb Caen

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“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Rodney Dangerfield

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